The best kind of Tuesday

It's the best kind of Tuesday. I slept well, woke up pain-free and have a sweet memory in my heart.

It was 19 years ago today that my best friend asked me to marry him. I'd do it all over again - the trials, the triumphs, the joy, the pain, the laughs and the tears. The longer we're together, the more I love him. We've weathered a lot of storms. We've had a lot of adventures. And it feels like just yesterday that were young kids in love. Now we're older kids in love, just with a few more aches and pains. The family we've created together, with God's help, brings me more joy than I could have ever imagined. I love you My Bradley.

I can't wait to see what the next 19 years brings. May it be filled with many more years of love and lots more trips to Vegas (photo above taken at Mon Ami Gabi, our favorite breakfast spot in Vegas).

Needles and Threads and Hoops, Oh My!

I've spent much of the past year trying to come up with a hobby to keep myself busy and keep my mind active. I thought about photography but that's a lot of junk to carry around. And I am not all that good at it. Oh, I know you get better as you practice something, but I am one that thinks there needs to be some sort of innate talent toward that thing to begin with. I am probably wrong about that, but for now, I still believe it. I thought about just having my blog as my hobby again, but that didn't seem very relaxing or soothing. Then I got interested in art journals. I saw blogs about them, checked out books from the library, sought out the cost of supplies and then I realized just how much paper and "stuff" and space I'd need to work on the darn thing, what with glues and paints and markers and such. Suddenly, I lost interest. And I still had no hobby.

Yesterday, I was browsing through my blog list and came across a lovely post about hand-embroidered pillowcases over at Pleasant View Schoolhouse. If you haven't visited Anna's lovely blog home, you are missing a beautiful place filled with lovely inspiration. Anyway, Anna posted about some pillowcases she embellished with embroidery. I was inspired. I did a little bit of embroidery as a teenager. My aunt used to embroider a lot and I have a few of her handmade pieces. Embroidery is portable, fairly inexpensive since it's really just the hoop, needles and thread. So many free patterns are available online and from lovely ladies all around the blogosphere. I'm eager to get started. But I also need to remember to be patient with myself.

If any of you have tips about embroidery, feel free to pass them along.

And On We Go...

Just an update on how I'm doing.

I saw a medical doctor that I love and looking forward to having him as my new primary care physician. He diagnosed me with Obsessive- Compulsive Disorder. It's odd because I knew he was right as soon as he said it. A lot of people would feel freaked out with that kind of diagnosis. To me, it is a huge relief. He prescribed Celexa and said I'd need to be on it for a year and a half more than likely. The first week, with side effects, was tough, but now that my body has adjusted to it, it's great. I still have thoughts go through my head but the medicine helps me be able to easily dismiss them without it all snowballing into a huge knot that ties up my entire body.

I also started therapy last week and am looking forward to dealing with the issues and getting to the root of the problem. It will not always be an easy journey. But I feel so much better knowing I've got help. I've always been a proponent of asking for help when you need it. I didn't want to need it. But I'm so thankful that my husband and other friends insisted I get help for this.

If you are dealing with anxiety, please don't be afraid to ask for help. It's so worth it!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

This week I signed up for a free mini-session for anxiety help through email. I do not plan to "buy" her program, just use the few weeks of free advice until I start with my own therapist. In the very first email the lady says, this is a process. She also makes sure to say it's sometimes a case of one step forward and two steps back. This week has been a perfect example of that priniciple. Work went well the last part of this week. I think in some ways I do better at work because I'm distracted more and not at the location of the source of my anxiety. Friday evening, the anxiety started and I'm still battling it. I've had to up my medication this weekend from what I'd done the previous few days. Today I'm finally realizing that that's okay. That's what I need right now, since I'm trying to handle this on my own until my therapy appointment. So, maybe I can look at it as dancing - one step forward and two steps back - at least I'm going somewhere, right? And maybe in the process, I can make someone else feel like they aren't going stag at this life's dance - we have to use our experiences to help others. I'm grateful for the people God has sent my way for such a time as this.

Never Say Never

I believe in being a life-long student - never stop learning. I don't mean traditional school or classes but I do believe that each of us must continue to learn and train and retrain. For me, this is a time of retraining. Much of the past year has been spent allowing my mind and soul to atrophy. I'd gotten lazy and comfortable and interested in only what was fun and easy and okay. My soul had become uprooted and ungrounded and I was searching for something to latch onto again. I "never" thought I'd reach that point in life where my faith was on such a back-burner. Don't get me wrong - it's been a fun year. I've learned how to shoot a gun (and I'm darn good at it) despite saying I'd never own one or touch one. I have been to Vegas 4 times. Another "never" I've accomplished is getting my first tattoo which I love and don't regret at all. In fact, I'm already planning my second one for my 40th birthday. I've done a lot of stuff the good girl inside me said I would never do. And I've loved this year.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, I suddenly hit a brick wall and have gotten knocked flat on my size 12 butt. I have had somewhat of an emotional breakdown. One story on the news caused me to develop an anxiety problem that has turned me into a proverbial puddle. In the midst of the anxiety was discouragement because I "never" thought this would happen to me. Yes, I've hit emotional walls before, but rarely this hard or that left me feeling this helpless to fix it myself. One of the good things about it, is that I recognized that I've been in what I've called a "funk" for months. In the midst of all the fun, I was really feeling numb. I started putting two and two together and realized it could be a side affect of a daily medication I have taken for about a year.

Thankfully, God has surrounded me with help. I started taking an anti-anxiety medication this week and that has been a HUGE life-saver. I "never" thought I'd have to take a pill to help my mind work right. But since I started taking it, even just 2 days ago, I feel like smiling again, I can go an hour without crying. I can function without a single topic consuming every other thought that comes through my head. I can suddenly see the faulty logic behind some of my thought processes. Suddenly with the anxiety under control, I'm going to be able to start learning where these things took root and how to combat them. I know the issues have been there ready to pop up for awhile. It's not the first anxiety issue I've faced. But before, I was always able, eventually, to get rid of it. This time I need help. I'm going to see a therapist to learn how to effectively prevent and/or fight the battles. I'm going to see a medical doctor to find out if my body is producing chemicals out of balance and partially causing my mind to go a bit doollally. It will take time. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that because I take a half a pill I'm suddenly cured. I'm in this for the long haul. I'm eager to learn how to be okay when things aren't okay.

I've also found, and rediscovered, some things that calm me and bring me happiness. Music, worship, God's Word, favorite books, the smell of coffee, nature sounds (waves, rain, forests), favorite blogs and sites, writing.

What things help you step back from the emotional brink when you feel one step further would send you into oblivion? What quiets your mind? What refreshes your soul? I'd love for you to share! But remember - never say never.

Come Weary Saints

It's been a long time since I've blogged, written or even visited my own site. I kept it live simply because I knew at some point I'd want to come back. Life has a way of bringing us back full circle, doesn't it?

More than anything, I'm a weary saint and right now I feel the need to write, blog, journal my goings-on. A lot has changed. I am finding my life upside down, emotionally. I'm learning to put the puzzle pieces back together, to let the Master Puzzle-Solver help me again and to ask for encouragement and help in the people He has called to be in my life right now, whether they are my best friend (who is also my husband), co-workers, doctors, therapists or pharmacists.

I'm not sure how often I'll be posting. I don't want to give myself a set deadline or schedule. It only leads to failure and disappointment in myself. This will be something I do when the urge hits. It might be several times a day, once a day, once a month. Who knows.

I've had faithful readers in the past. I don't know if any of you are still around. But even if not, I'm still writing, even if only for an audience of One.

There is a verse that speaks to my soul's condition and gives me hope that I am not alone and that this won't last forever.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

I purchased this amazing, comforting album from iTunes this evening - Come Weary Saints (cover pictured above). I've never heard of this group or publisher (Sovereign Grace Music) but it is just right for my heart at this moment.

Is There Anybody Out There?

Just wondering if anyone is still out there?
I know I put this blog to bed about a year ago,
but here I again, seeing if anyone is left.