Never Say Never

I believe in being a life-long student - never stop learning. I don't mean traditional school or classes but I do believe that each of us must continue to learn and train and retrain. For me, this is a time of retraining. Much of the past year has been spent allowing my mind and soul to atrophy. I'd gotten lazy and comfortable and interested in only what was fun and easy and okay. My soul had become uprooted and ungrounded and I was searching for something to latch onto again. I "never" thought I'd reach that point in life where my faith was on such a back-burner. Don't get me wrong - it's been a fun year. I've learned how to shoot a gun (and I'm darn good at it) despite saying I'd never own one or touch one. I have been to Vegas 4 times. Another "never" I've accomplished is getting my first tattoo which I love and don't regret at all. In fact, I'm already planning my second one for my 40th birthday. I've done a lot of stuff the good girl inside me said I would never do. And I've loved this year.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, I suddenly hit a brick wall and have gotten knocked flat on my size 12 butt. I have had somewhat of an emotional breakdown. One story on the news caused me to develop an anxiety problem that has turned me into a proverbial puddle. In the midst of the anxiety was discouragement because I "never" thought this would happen to me. Yes, I've hit emotional walls before, but rarely this hard or that left me feeling this helpless to fix it myself. One of the good things about it, is that I recognized that I've been in what I've called a "funk" for months. In the midst of all the fun, I was really feeling numb. I started putting two and two together and realized it could be a side affect of a daily medication I have taken for about a year.

Thankfully, God has surrounded me with help. I started taking an anti-anxiety medication this week and that has been a HUGE life-saver. I "never" thought I'd have to take a pill to help my mind work right. But since I started taking it, even just 2 days ago, I feel like smiling again, I can go an hour without crying. I can function without a single topic consuming every other thought that comes through my head. I can suddenly see the faulty logic behind some of my thought processes. Suddenly with the anxiety under control, I'm going to be able to start learning where these things took root and how to combat them. I know the issues have been there ready to pop up for awhile. It's not the first anxiety issue I've faced. But before, I was always able, eventually, to get rid of it. This time I need help. I'm going to see a therapist to learn how to effectively prevent and/or fight the battles. I'm going to see a medical doctor to find out if my body is producing chemicals out of balance and partially causing my mind to go a bit doollally. It will take time. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that because I take a half a pill I'm suddenly cured. I'm in this for the long haul. I'm eager to learn how to be okay when things aren't okay.

I've also found, and rediscovered, some things that calm me and bring me happiness. Music, worship, God's Word, favorite books, the smell of coffee, nature sounds (waves, rain, forests), favorite blogs and sites, writing.

What things help you step back from the emotional brink when you feel one step further would send you into oblivion? What quiets your mind? What refreshes your soul? I'd love for you to share! But remember - never say never.