She's Out of Control!

I have become increasingly aware that my personal life is somewhat out of control, lacking balance and perhaps an example of rebellion. This is not a new struggle. This has nothing to do with anyone but me. It's not about my girls, my dogs, my church, my job or my husband. Those things are all great. It's about my lack of self-discipline. Ugh! What a nasty word.

Since I began working from home full-time in January, I've gained 10 pounds. 10 POUNDS in 3 months. That's just not good. While that's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, it's bothersome because I know it means I'm not taking care of myself. I try to look at this realistically because my body is aging and with age often comes a few extra pounds. But I know it's mainly because I'm eating junkier food, drinking more pop and not doing much exercise at all, despite having a gym membership.

Then there is my spending. We've been getting out of debt recently and have been blessed to pay off the majority of our credit card debt, which loomed over us like an impassable mountain. While I'm thrilled beyond measure that it's pretty much gone now, I know my spending habits have not magically changed over the short time it's been since we've paid these things off. I know I could easily spend us right back into the debt we just came out of. That's not a good thing either. Not at all.

Third, there is the state of my house. While we don't live in squalor, my claims that working from home will help me be able to keep the house cleaner have been false advertising. I've not kept the house cleaner at all. In fact, I've gotten downright lazy about the whole affair. I don't like cleaning house. I love how it feels AFTER I'm done, but I hate the process. I know there is some deep-seated issue within my soul regarding this, I can just sense it. It's a form of rebellion that I hold onto from childhood I think. But I'm not a child anymore. I'm the mom. It's my house. And I really do want to look after it as if I care.

But what IS good, is that I'm able to see these things that need work. I'm able to take the time to evaluate what I need to change and I have the means to do so. It is within my power, thanks to God who lives within me, to change and grow and learn and get better. I begin today, this day of new beginnings, Spring. I am "dieting" and learning to change my eating and moving behavior. I'm starting off with a little help to get myself disciplined first then I'll gradually change things. I know our whole family will benefit from these changes.

I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like knowing that I'm being lazy, and yes, I have been increasingly lazy. But one good thing is that no matter how often I say I "should" change (and yes if you have known me any length of time you know this topic is one that comes up on a regular basis), this time I am actually taking the beginning steps to do so. I have one day to use right now. I don't know if there will be a tomorrow. I assume there will be, but for now, I want to live this one day in a better way.