Love Is A Battlefield

Pat Benatar knew what she was singing about when she sang "love is a battlefield", especially when it comes to loving oneself. I'm not talking about prideful, ego-driven self-love, but just giving ones' self a break and living within realistic expectations. The battlefield of the mind is a dangerous and often scary place. When you've had unrealistic expectations of perfection, and fears that stem from childhood issues, feeling good about yourself and dealing with your mistakes and downfalls often ends in misery, tears and gnashing of teeth. I like to call it "meltdown".

I don't handle my own mistakes very well. Good enough just never seems good enough. I set standards for myself that are unreachable and so unrealistic that I am doomed to failure every time. And when I do something I think is less than what I expect, I have a tendency to punish myself, whether it be cancelling something I wanted to do, not eating a meal, or just sulking. Why do I do this? I am not sure, but I'm on a quest to discover the reasons behind my behavior, and to learn the things I can do to change. Sometimes you have a behavior for so long, that simply knowing what practical steps to take are simply too hard to fathom, as simple as they may really be.

I know I'm not alone in this battle. I know it won't be easy. And, I know there will still be heartaches in the future, times when I'll let myself (and others) down, but I'd like to learn to handle them with grace, and to give myself mercy and love. I'm prepared to fight my way through this. After all, love is a battlefield.